When you love someone so much you can’t exist in the world, and have them exist in the world, and not be with them. So you just have to leave instead. But it’s even more sad because they don’t really feel the same. It’s all just sad and hard, and too much for one person with one heart to handle. And I feel some weird since of happiness to know I can be all done now. I can just die. And I won’t have to think, or feel, or hurt, or remember anymore. I can be done. I tried so hard for so long, and even though I didn’t what I want, I can be done. Going to lay in bed with a stomach full of all the things I could find that looked somewhat deadly in high doses, and try my best to remember the good things and not think about how everyone will be sad tomorrow. Goodbye.

You get to leave. You get to talk to other girls. You get to be called adorable by other people. You get to flirt. You get to move on. You get to forget.

And what do I get??? All the left over feelings. Everything you left behind, everything you didn’t want to deal with. Every single bit of pain. The loneliness. The sadness. The confusion. The constant feeling that I couldn’t keep you because I’m not good enough. And I’m just sitting here thinking about how much I want to die. And I think I’m going to tell my mom I need to go to the hospital to be watched, otherwise I won’t make it to the morning alive. You have fun with your new girls, though. I’m sure it will be wonderful without me calling, or pleading for attention. Good luck.

I had a dream about you. It felt so real. I know it wasn’t, though, because you were being nice to me.

Things should be different. I’m too young to feel so hopeless. This should be the best and easiest part of my life, but everything thing keeps escaping from me and taking on a life of its own. Every once in awhile I wake up feeling okay. Like maybe I can do things after all, maybe things won’t be so bad anymore, but it usually doesn’t last. Maybe it does for an hour, once or twice it’s lasted for a few hours. I wake up sad most of the time, anyway, so I suppose the other stuff is insignificant. I wake up sad and I go to bed sad and nothing changes anything. I could win the lottery or get diagnosed with cancer tomorrow and neither of them would change anything. My heart is just broken. Actually, it’s completely shattered and missing a lot of the big chunks that you fucking stole.

It’s not fair that you can talk to me if you want, but I’m not allowed to talk to you. It’s not fair that you can just take or leave me whenever you want. It’s not fair that I asked you so many times if you wanted a break, if you needed to go, and you fucking promised you didn’t…and then you did. It’s not fair that I have to be the one who hurts so bad when I wasn’t even the one who did this. It’s not fair that you get to sleep at night, and I have to stay up and cry so hard I can’t breathe. It’s not fair that you get to break all the promises, and walk away, and forget everything. It’s not fair that you have me, and I don’t get you. I couldn’t do this to you if I were getting paid a billion fucking dollars for it. I just couldn’t put you through something like this, but you do it every day to me, and you never even told me why. 

I’m just so tired of everything, and so scared, and so impossibly sad. I actually kind of shock myself with how completely sad I am. My entire day consists of me distracting myself from thinking about you, and when I fail to do that it results in me retreating to my bed, and crying until I have no tears left…it just really fucking sucks. I don’t know how to make it stop being so painful. I don’t know if I should wait or give up or try harder. I’m scared to do any of those things, anyway. If I wait and you never come back, I won’t know what to do. If I give up and you do come back, I won’t know what to do. If I keep trying and push you away even more, I won’t know what to do. I just pretty much never get to know what to do, because you’re being SO selfish and unfair, but you don’t care. And you don’t listen to me. Nothing matters but you and what you need and what you want.